How to have have the...
Best Mother's Day Ever!
1) You said that there are simple steps for having the best Mother’s Day ever. What’s the first step? It starts with forgiveness. Forgiving your mom is a decision you make, to let go of any anger, disappointment or hurt. In my teaching novel, Opening Love’s Door, the sweet, good-natured protagonist, Janna was horribly rejected by her mother who doted on a favorite child. When Janna is nine years old her mother leaves her and drives off to take the golden sibling to a play. Her mom causes an accident and dies, essentially ruining Janna’s life for the next 20 years. But once Janna is taught how to forgive her mother, she lets it all go. You can do that by visualizing yourself living the life of your mother. Take a few minutes and imagine yourself being her as a little girl and then growing up and doing the absolute best she could.
2) What about your own guilt? Handling guilt is also part of the first step. You need to take a clear look at your own wrong-doing. In Opening Love’s Door, Janna’s teacher has her visualize the scene where she yells ‘I hate you’ at her mother in their last interaction when the car pulls away from the curb. That outburst cost her years of guilt. What is your guilt really about? Make a list of three ways you have failed your mother: you don’t call, say hurtful things, forget her birthday, that kind of thing. Read it over and over until it less charged with guilt. Second, make a sincere apology to your mother. Third, offer to make it up to her in some way that is meaningful to her. But make sure you can follow through on your word. If you won’t call, don’t promise that—have her favorite flowers sent automatically each month instead. When you’re reading Opening Love’s Door, you’ll understand that you have to do what you feel is right. It doesn’t matter if your mom still gripes.
3) The next step is writing a letter that will change your life…and hers too? How is that possible? One of the lessons in Opening Love’s Door is when you face loss, love and appreciation blossom. Loss organizes you to focus on the love your mother does have for you and it helps you overlook criticism, complaints and rejection. So to prepare for your letter, write a eulogy for your mom today. Write it from the perspective of how much she loved her family, describe all her thoughtful acts and benevolent intentions. And remember that some day you will be writing a real eulogy. Next tear up the eulogy. But, take all the wonderful things you thought about and use them to write a letter of pure appreciation to your mother—all about how incredible she is as a person and as a parent.
4) Step three: take 10 minutes to create a more loving connection with your mother--it’s free and the quickest “therapy” available. How can you do that? Notice any way that you blame your mother for troubles in your life. Blaming grows out of holding on to a grievance story in your head about how you were wounded and victimized by her. This is a story about the past that holds your body and mind hostage in a prison of tension and dis-ease. In Opening Love’s Door Janna’s teacher gives her a powerful exercise that frees her from that prison. This is a 10 minute Being-in-the-Moment exercise where you go out into nature and focus fully on the now, putting all your attention on a flower, a cloud, the blue sky or anything else of beauty. This “instant therapy” dissolves the dis-ease of your grievance story. Afterward, put your pure undivided attention on your mother, noticing her just as she is in the moment. You’ll be surprised at what happens.
5) What is the 45 second technique that gives you control of your emotions and control of the situation when you’re upset with your mother? Dr. Fred Luskin a forgiveness expert, suggests you start deep breathing and relax your whole body. On the third full breath visualize a wise loving advisor or beautiful scene in nature, with all its sounds, colors and feelings. As you continue soft full breathing, ask the relaxed part of you what you can do to resolve the problem. The answer will come.
6) How do you feel like a HERO and not a victim with your mom? In Opening Love’s Door Janna learns that the purpose of her life is to become her own beloved heroine. This means letting go of the past and living into a positive future. You have to switch your attention away from your grievance story about how your mother hurt you. Instead focus on the positive reality you want to create. Maybe “I have a respectful, friendly relationship with my mother.” Write this down and post it near your computer or the fridge. Think of your positive intention whenever you’re about to talk to your mother. You’ll be surprised how that changes things between you.
7) Step six allows you to feel good no matter what your mother does or says. How do you do that? The lesson Janna learns in Opening Love’s Door is critical: The purpose of your life is to be your own beloved heroine or warrior. You can’t control what your mother does or says but you can control what you do or say. Be mature, overlook her errors in judgment, focus on the love she intends for you, even if it comes out of her mouth all wrong. Make yourself proud of yourself.
8) What’s the single biggest mistake that’s guaranteed to hurt your relationship with your mother? Seeing your mother as some almighty being who has the power to ruin your life. This is a recipe for emotional disaster. Your mother’s just a person who makes mistakes, who’s doing the best she can do right now. Cut her some slack. When Janna in Opening Loves Door learns to stop defining her life by what happened with her mother, when she sees that she is the one who has power over her own life, she forgives her mother and sets herself free.
